COLUMN: The Ely Grumpster’s weekly ramblings

The Ely Grumpster

The Ely Grumpster - Credit: Archant

• Friends of mine from my time as a cub reporter on the world renowned Kent and Sussex Gazette will remember the astonishing scoops that set me apart from my peers. Who could forget those amazing headlines – “Sevenoaks gardener cuts off toes with garden spade” or “burglars steal Ightham woman’s false teeth”.

• Well the Grumpster has done it again. A transcript of a phone conversation between President Donut Trump, President Emmanuel Macron and our very own Mother Theresa May. This stuff covers the aftermath of the Syria attacks and is dynamite. Despite being offered serious dosh by a popular Daily, I have decided to publish it here. Enjoy.

• Trump – “Hi guys, sorry I’m late. Just finishing off a game of Snap with Melania. Anyway, we sure sorted that Syrian guy, you know who I mean, President Mossad.” General Bob Brainfade - “took out the Syrian Army and Air Force Mr President”. Mother Theresa – “I spoke to Boris, our foreign secretary. Our sources report slight damage to a garden shed”. Macron – “Mon Dieu, Le Trump c’est un idiot”. Trump – “whaddya say, you garlic eating surrender monkey?” Mother Teresa – “he said you are an inspiration”. Trump – “that’s right and don’t you forget it”. Macron – “mais non. Monsieur Donut - vous etes un dotard avec un brain comme un petit pois”. Mother Teresa – “Mr President - the fact you have upset everybody is of real concern to us”. Trump – “that’s a load of horse. Why only yesterday, I arranged a game of golf with that little Korean guy, you know, Kim Jongle”. Mother Theresa – “and didn’t tell anyone”. Trump – “Ah shucks, memory like a sieve. Anyway, I want to take out the Iranians next. Bob – see to it”. Brainfade – yessir Mr President.” Macron – “sacre bleu. Il est tout mad. Il faut shover le lunatic dans un maison pour les personnes insane”. Mother Teresa – “with respect Mr President, you can’t just attack Iran. The Middle East will go up in flames”. Trump – aw shucks. Well maybe we can bomb some little guys. How about New Zealand?” Brainfade – “Sir, we have to end this call now. Putin has launched his nukes. We have three minutes to impact”. Trump – “ok Bob, chill. Just need to get the BBQ going for tonight’s party - with you in ten. Goodbye guys. God bless America”. Mother Theresa – “good-bye Sir”. Macron – “ou se trouve le straightjacket?”

• As imagined by..