Maybe a P45 festival would be kinder...?

THE clouds are clearing in the fortune-telling pint pot and the predictions for the rest of the year are coming through.

JULY: As there are no shops in Ely, East Cambs moves offices to Cambridge so that office workers can go shopping in their lunch breaks. More lines and stripes painted on roads and paths in Soham and nobody knows why. Cycle route to Fordham almost ready.

AUGUST: Another cyclist seen on Downfields bridge. Record GCSE results at Village College. Rain eases a bit. Lincolnshire police don't want to merge with Cambs.

SEPTEMBER: S.N.O.B.S. have been quiet for weeks. Apparently someone asked them to spell ASBO and it's keeping them amused. After eight weeks they have got as far as 'J'.

OCTOBER: New take-away opens in Soham, brings total to 23, locals wonder how they are going to manage. Easter eggs in shops.

NOVEMBER: Rain stops, sun comes out, dire warnings of global warming; scouts bonfire goes with a bang.

DECEMBER: East Cambs moves to Minorca, nobody notices. Cambs police finally find a partner, now called Cambridgeshire and Tristan da Cunha Police and Toilet Cleaning Force.

FANCY SOME FUN?

One of the books the old guy with the beard brought at Christmas was Eric Sykes' autobiography. According To Eric, the best evening's work he ever did was to join the scouts. Luckily the children of Soham still have the opportunity to do the same. There are Beavers, Cubs and various Scouts and all are well supported and popular. The one thing that they do need is help; each group needs leaders if they are to continue.

If joining the scouts is the best thing you can do, then joining as a leader must be the second best. All manner of training and support is available to everyone who would like to help steer the youngsters of Soham away from SNOBBERY in the future. If you would like to have a lot of fun once a week and the odd camp now and again then call the group scout leader Marion Botting on 01353 624493 for a chat.

TELL US MORE

So, according to last week's Standard, Council Tax is going up. I know that's a bit like saying it gets dark at night, but this time we have a bit of an option. i) pay more tax or ii) nominate which service to cut. I think that there is another way out of their muddle. Usually the greatest regular cost for any organisation is the wage bill. Perhaps we could extend option (ii) to which jobs we want to cut. If we could see a full list of job titles, not only would it give us a laugh until we saw the wage they each pull down, but we could evaluate what possible use that function has to the real world outside Shire Hall.

For a start I'd say goodbye to the genius behind the Downfields Bridge. And what about the one who put the roundabout at the top of Sharman's Road in Fordham AFTER the bypass was opened when they could have saved the whole cost of the bypass if they had put it in BEFORE. No doubt there are many others that you can think of. I reckon a P45 festival would be kinder on the hard-pressed taxpayers of Cambridgeshire than screwing us for yet more hard-earned cash.

SEASONAL SPIRIT

Over the last year or two, a hard-working group in town has got hold of a building to act as a community centre for Soham. There are meetings there, computer training and, three mornings a week, a charity shop. It used to be called the Arc, but is now the Viva Centre and on December 28 some bright sparks showed their appreciation of the efforts of the volunteers by breaking into the old chapel and stealing various brass objects donated for the good of all.

Rather than get upset by these idiots (and, believe me, that's no trouble) the best thing we can do is ignore them and make sure that the Viva charity shop has plenty of other stuff to sell. Barbara and her staff will be delighted to welcome any clean, saleable objects on Monday, Friday and Saturday mornings. Show the brain dead that they can't beat the people of Soham.