Ely Grumpster ponders the question of perception

The Ely Grumpster

The Ely Grumpster - Credit: Archant

• I have oft pondered the question of perception. Specifically, what do other people think of you and why?

Does their opinion have an impact on your life? If it’s the bloke digging holes in your road, probably not. If it’s your spouse, kids or boss, then probably yes.

If it’s God, then the fact you trod mud into Mum’s prize white carpet in 1975 and blamed the dog may come back to haunt you. “Come on God, eternal torment is a bit steep! Can’t we settle on fifty Hail Marys and a bit of self-flagellation?”

• One of the key conclusions I have come to is that you need to create a balance between boring (people ignore you) and underpants on head crazy (may end very badly).

Secondly, the more confident and financially secure you become, the more daring you can be.

• I am not yet at the “eating my trousers and sleeping in a coffin” end of the spectrum, but I do enjoy confusing people by acting in a slightly strange and unpredictable manner. Shortage of space limits me to behaviour in the office. Try some of these out. You will have hours of fun, I promise.

• Appearance- tell your colleagues you are going to grow a beard and then shave on one side. Wear different coloured shoes and socks. If you feel especially brave, cut an inch off one of the sleeves of you jacket and shirt, so it looks like you have one arm longer than the other.

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• Speech - When you sneeze, scream the word “wasp”. Mumble the word “porridge” and then rest your head on your keyboard.

• Colleagues’ stuff - hide a prize mug and replace it with an identical one, only with the handle missing. Access one of their key documents and do a global replace of “project” with “pyjamas”.

• And finally - bad bosses. Laugh when their name is mentioned but don’t explain why. Make a point of telling them you are drinking friends with a senior colleagues who they have been brown-nosing for years. And finally, when you leave, hide a mackerel fillet in a secret place somewhere near their desk.

• I can plead guilty to most of the above. Yes, it has caused me a whole heap of trouble, but the fun I have had has made it all worthwhile.

• Ely.grumpster@gmail.com