COLUMN: The Ely Grumpster on rail chaos, Brexit, Trump/Kim summit and... Love Island

The Ely Grumpster

The Ely Grumpster - Credit: Archant

• It has been a momentous week – rail chaos, announcement of a Trump/Kim summit in Singapore, BREXIT and of course... Love Island.

So this week, let’s talk news – local and national.

• To kick off - our beloved city and its immediate environs. The crows are at it again.

For the promise of a tasty morsel, these shifty-eyed corvines can empty the contents of a bin in seconds.

Having witnessed said event, I reported the matter to our local bobby, PC Fred Flatfoot.

“Expect further action” he puffed (maybe “up in front of the beak on a charge of robin with intent”).

• Then we have the small matter of the train timetable change. Chaos doesn’t even start to cover it.

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Highlight – a five-train, three-hour journey from King’s Cross last Thursday. Good to see the head of Network Rail has received a CBE. How well deserved!

• On a national level, a key event was the Trumpster imposing tariffs on steel and aluminium imports (I notice he left wigs un-touched).

I fear the worse for world peace when he rocks up in Singapore and presents Kim [whose skin is even thinner than Trump’s] with an Alsatian.

• The world cup is also in the news of course. The most bizarre statement of all came from Russian Minister, Igor Levedev, who advocates footie fan pitched battles in stadiums, with rules and spectators.

I see England drawing Russia in the first round. Imagine our lagered-up yobs battling with steroid-crazed, mad-eyed martial arts-trained psychos. “Ladies and gentlemen, to my left, in claret and blue trunks, Dave “The Belly” Butcher from West Ham, waist, 60 inches, record – three wins, 10 defeats and a spell in the Scrubs.

To my right, in red, white and blue trunks, Sergei “The Killer” Brezhnev from the Crimea. Record, 20 fights, 20 wins. Destroyed a tank with his bare hands”. Could be interesting!

• So to end – telly. I was watching a fascinating programme about suffragettes last week. Messaged my girls, who are to feminism what Boris Johnson is to self-promotion.

“You just have to watch this” I gushed. “It is portraying the fight of those amazing women, to secure the vote in the teeth of opposition from a State criminally supported by police corruption and violence. What they suffered for their beliefs is simply astonishing”.

Two minutes later, the eldest Grumpster child replied. “Get lost Dad, watching Love Island”. Quality.