COLUMN: The Ely Grumpster ‘awards’

The Ely Grumpster

The Ely Grumpster - Credit: Archant

• For those of you who didn’t tune in to the Grumpster “Ely awards of the year” on BBC1 last Saturday, well shame on you.

What a night! I had a great evening chewing the fat with soap opera Z listers, Love Island rejects, exiled South American dictators and Nigel Farage.

• Doris had the time of her life with her best friend Edna from Littleport.

I decided to wear a kilt as a tribute to my newly discovered Caledonian cousins. Against my better judgement, I wore it “sans sous-vetements”.

Not an issue until I tried to enter a taxi at midnight after a snifter or two.

Edna had her phone camera at the ready. Daren’t risk looking at Facebook!

Anyway, the awards. Ely-focused as you might expect. Here they are.

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• Church (1) – tallest Priest in Ely – Bishop Stephen.

That man is so big that jumbo jet pilots who are stupid enough to use Ely Cathedral as a landmark have to take evasive action when he is out for a walk.

It is rumoured he lives in the Cathedral because there is no house in Cambridgeshire with a roof high enough to accommodate him.

Church (2) – most amazing Priest in Ely – you read this column and I won’t embarrass you by naming you. Just keep doing what you do, but please support a proper football team (there is nothing great about jellied eels).

• Best retail (1) – Bar and pubs – RBK – you make every visit a pleasure. Best retail (2) – shops and banks – a 3 way tie between NatWest, Boots and Waitrose. Best retail (3) – curry house – Le Spice. Amin Haque, purveyor of fine curry, philosopher, historian, politician and friend.

• Public servants of the year – all those who pushed through the Ely bypass in the face of opposition from English Heritage fruitcakes and budget pressures. From the autumn, Ely residents will no longer have to suffer an endless stream of juggernauts clogging up the A142, Angel Drove and Station Approach. Good riddance to the lot of them.

• To close, a gentle reminder that there are always opportunities to improve and possibly win a Grumpster award in 2019. Police – do something about cars on double yellows in Victoria Street. Tesco – deal with the graffiti and litter that blights the whole complex.

And finally – Doris. What the hell have you done with my “Frankie says relax” tee-shirt?