COLUMN: The Ely Grumpster talks animals

Calm down, Boris

Calm down, Boris - Credit: Archant

• Everybody loves animals don’t they?

Ok, maybe not a sewer rat or a ravenous hyena feasting on the still twitching corpse of a baby gazelle, but cats, dogs, barn owls?”

When I am out with my pub buddies and we grow weary talking about Trump’s latest madness, or how Carlisle are definitely Champions’ League material, I can happily switch to the subject of nature.

• So, let’s cut to the chase. If you were reincarnated as an animal, what would it be?

Difficult question huh? Fear not. The Grumpster is here to help.

• Lion? Spend your life dozing, mating and inspiring every domestic moggie on the planet, but what about food?

You can’t exactly pop down to your local take-out and order up five zebra and chips and a side of antelope sauce

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Dinner has to be caught. Worse, your wives are responsible and if they are anything like Doris, they will be inclined to say “I am feeling too tired to hunt today and anyway, too much zebra is bad for you. What about a broad bean pasta?”

• Horse? Roam about in your field, chomp on apples and bite the backside of recalcitrant schoolboys. Great stuff.

But then it dawns on you that you are actually star attraction at a Florida riding school and every 30 stone lard bucket wants to get on your back. Maybe not so great.

• Ok, so what about life as a dog? Lots of benefits there: 3 meals a day; country walks; un-diluted adoration from your soppy owners, but as ever, there is a downside.

If you are a boy, it is likely that at some point, you are going to get the hots for that cute little poodle at number 25.

Then before you can say “bonio”, you are whisked off to the vets for “a quick procedure”.

Next day, you are sore in places where you really don’t want to be sore and any chance of producing a young Rover is but a dream.

• So for me, it has to be a cat. Eat, sleep in front of the fire and do your business in amongst the old man’s courgettes. That’s the life for me.

• Today’s picture? Doris spotted the book in a charity shop. I will be gifting it to Mother Teresa as I am sure she will love it!