COLUMN: The Ely Grumpster

The Ely Grumpster

The Ely Grumpster - Credit: Archant

• Following the announcement of the proposed merger between Sainsbury’s and Asda, celebrity chef, Belle E Phat has announced the launch of a new range, with a decidedly political theme. Objective? To put permanent distance between this new conglomerate and its big rivals, Tesco and Morrison’s. Here is a soupçon of the delights that will soon enjoy prominence in a store near you.

• Jacob’s Rees Mogg sour cream crackers. Old, stale, musty-smelling, bitter, unattractive and lacking in taste. Serve with hard cheese (not French) and un-spicy sausage (not German or Italian, no garlic). Comes in an attractive red white and blue tin with British bulldog resplendent In Union Jack waistcoat logo.

• Amber Rudd humble pie. Serve in large portions with watered down sauce and turnip. Perfect if you are on a budget (having just lost your job for example). Take some out to the family in the Caribbean (warning – may be eight years before you can get back into the country).

• Old Labour What A Shower gel. Use three times a day to wash away that unwanted red appearance and start appealing to Essex car dealers and Home Counties bankers. Throw away after general election and watch that red hue return. Recommended by Jeremy Corbyn and John McDonnell.

• Diane Abbott ale. The perfect pint for a night in the pub, shouting down your mates, refusing to listen to any other viewpoints, getting your facts wrong and talking utter rubbish.

• Hammond Eggs. Is your man too busy looking after the finances to eat properly? Try serving up this simple but delicious snack. Still can’t get his attention? Then shout “Boris wants your job” very loudly. Works every time.

• John Prescott rum punch. Ever had one of those days where nothing goes right? Jealous plebs moaning about your two Jags and grace and favour houses, or some yokel with a bad mullet delivering a well-aimed egg to your chops? Well improve your day with a couple of Prescott punches (warning - may result in humiliation, the sack or a prison sentence).

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• Closing thought? According to a national daily, the top 10 most annoying things about your partner are: swearing; smoking; passing wind; being messy; obsessed with their phone; smoking; chewing loudly; leaving rubbish in car; nail biting and road rage. All boxes ticked I am afraid. However, I love Doris to death and wouldn’t swap her for the world. Salut.