The Ely Grumpster’s wishlist for 2018

The Ely Grumpster

The Ely Grumpster - Credit: Archant

So as we bid farewell to 2017, the Grumpster has decided to pen a wish-list for 2018. Some of it serious, some not so. Big policy statements first.

International - (1) Boris Johnson gets down to some serious negotiations with Sergei Labrov, instead of prattling on about the contents of his pocket and kettle chips. I feel positive about this. For all the frostiness, I have detected a genuine desire on the part of both men to improve rapprochement.

Whatever one thinks of Putin (and Boris for that matter), in our new state of splendid self-imposed isolation, we need Russia more than ever; (2) The Government’s second area of focus must be Iran. Hassan Rouhani is a pragmatic moderate and nothing like his crazy predecessor, Ahmadinejad.

For us to have any hope of improving the mess that is the Middle East, Theresa May has to stick two fingers up to Trump and let Boris loose (though I fully understand the risks associated with giving our slightly un-hinged Foreign Secretary a free rein, or should I say “reign?”); (3) Donald Trump withdraws his crass statement about Jerusalem, makes one Twitter faux pas too many and simultaneously, evidence emerges directly linking him to Russian interference in the presidential election.

He resigns and is exiled to St Helena to see out his days watching TV, drinking coca cola and talking to himself. A brilliant, charismatic (female) Democrat emerges and the Republicans are smashed in the mid-term elections.

Domestic – (1) Momentum implodes in a bout of savage blood-letting. Corbyn resigns. Keir Starmer takes over, purges the far left and fills his shadow cabinet with pragmatic social democrats.

Jon Lansman seeks political asylum in Albania and learns how to dress himself; (2) The Government commits to end child poverty and homelessness by the end of this Parliament.

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Both our stains on our society; (3) A second vote on BREXIT. First time around, we voted with no information other than a massive lie about NHS funding.

Now we know a bit more about life outside the EU, we should vote again.

Finally, the slightly facile. (1) The whole Manchester City squad forgets how to play football; (2) Any footballers wearing wooly gloves before January are banned for a season and fined a million pounds; (3) Jacob Rees-Mogg loses his voice, Richard III is canonised and lastly, Ely High Street is pedestrianised. Happy New Year everybody.