Griggs is a star gazy guy

PUBLISHED: 11:45 27 December 2006 | UPDATED: 13:42 04 May 2010

WITH a whole new year beckoning it s time to gaze into the crystal ball and try to guess what will happen in the next 12 months. JANUARY: New Year s Day, a proper bank holiday, The Great Escape on the television, folk evening at the Fountain from 8pm. St

WITH a whole new year beckoning it's time to gaze into the crystal ball and try to guess what will happen in the next 12 months.

JANUARY: New Year's Day, a proper bank holiday, The Great Escape on the television, folk evening at the Fountain from 8pm. Streets deserted, nobody in the shops, after an enjoyable Christmas everyone is staying in after getting threatening letters from Mr Visa and Mrs storecard. 100 more houses to be built near The Shade.

FEBRUARY: All the "experts" are still banging on about global warming. Heaviest snowfall for years. Powers-that-be decide to sort it out by putting up tax on petrol again, but not by enough to stop anyone buying it. 40 flats going up off Townsend.

MARCH: Plans passed for another 200 houses on The Shade. Soham's new residents ask if station can be opened again as they all have to travel out of town to get to work. Bus services cut back to save on fuel and stop global warming. Heavy rain.

APRIL: Amid rumblings and mumblings in the town, plans are passed for two skyscrapers on the Church Hall site. No car parking spaces are to be provided so that the residents cannot have cars and make greenhouse gasses.

MAY: To safeguard the health of the rapidly expanding local community it is decided to close down Hinchingbrooke and West Suffolk hospitals. Addenbrooke's say they can cope but will have to put up parking charges to £20 an hour to encourage people to cycle. Plans passed to build 400 homes on railway line to stop people banging on about opening the station.

JUNE: Ancient document found that states that Soham is actually a city. East Cambs take note and start referring to it as a hamlet. New houses start to fill up; schools bring in a three-shift system. Six-year-olds on the 10pm to 2am shift say could they have some floodlights on the football pitch, please?

JULY: District council's experiment to get everyone to recycle everything not working too well. Ever since all rubbish collections were suspended the rat population has gone through the roof and there are piles of black bags blocking the streets. Highways Authority pleased as they are saving money on installing sleeping policemen. 2,000 new houses to be built towards Stuntney. Smokers getting used to standing outside pubs and coughing.

AUGUST: Wettest month since records began. Most of the caravans from Searle's at Hunstanton last seen floating out of the Wash towards Denmark. Government put extra tax on bottled gas (but not enough to stop anyone buying it.) More houses to be built off The Shade.

SEPTEMBER: Postcard arrives from Auntie Flo. Says Hunstanton, where she was having a nice break in Nephew John's caravan, has changed, everyone seems to be speaking Danish and there's no bingo. County council decides that as there is a cycle bridge at Downfields they are withdrawing all bus services for students from everywhere. Record jams in Soham on first day of term. Houses to be built on school fields.

OCTOBER: No rubbish brought to Grunty Fen tip for a couple of months now, roads completely blocked with black bags. East Cambs top recycling area in country (or so they say!) Major dilemma gripping the nation; should we worry more about global warming or bird 'flu? Extra houses being built on Soham station site.

NOVEMBER: Guy Fawkes Night cancelled as he was a catholic and it's not fair to victimise a minority. Apparently the fact that the MPs he wanted to kill were a minority has nothing to do with it. Bonfires replaced by poetry readings. Anyone saying "bang" while trying to remember what fireworks were like is given an ASBO. Flats to be built on Rec.

DECEMBER: Christmas lights banned as they might alarm drivers. 40 houseboats to be moored at The Mill. Christmas card arrives from Auntie Flo in Copenhagen. Everyone has a great Christmas.

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