The Ely Grumpster: No need for the January blues

PUBLISHED: 10:22 08 January 2018 | UPDATED: 10:22 08 January 2018

The Ely Grumpster

The Ely Grumpster


January is a grim month, by any measure. Christmas financial hangover, dark, wet, cold mornings (when one discovers too late that their shoes need re-soling) and Great Northern’s annual gift of a whopping great fare rise (normally justified on the hilarious grounds of “wanting to improve customer experience”).

Surprisingly to many, I prefer not to wallow in mid-winter misery, but to actively improve my state of mind. I do this in two ways. Firstly, search for and reflect on amusing news items that make me chuckle. Secondly, engage in fun things that deliver respite from the cruelties of January (I have ever understood why people give up the ale or join a gym in January – isn’t it bad enough?)

So, news items. We have already experienced a treat of bothamesque buffoonery in January. Two great examples. The Dear Leader, Donald J Trump descending to new depths that I thought impossible to plumb. The second I read his name, I have this vision of an overweight idiot with a carpet tile glued to his head, lying in bed munching cheeseburgers and screaming at his staff to leave his dirty pants where he threw them.

Hats off to Michael Wolff and Steve Bannon. Then we have Jeremy Kyle, who in a parody of his victims, leaves wife Carla and hooks up with his nanny, Vicky. Perhaps he should make a show of it: “Showbiz star couldn’t Carla less”. He could erect a huge mirror on stage and shout at himself.

Secondly, nice things to do. Several bookings already in the diary. A day’s hawking at Wisbech (Doris has forbidden me from dressing up as Henry VIII), tickets for Mary Stuart (going to the theatre is surely one of the greatest experiences on earth) and the visit of Chopper and Martha next week-end. Anecdotes? – well I bought my fashion-conscious friend Paul a pair of grand-dad slippers and a tube of pile cream for Christmas. His face was a picture. The cerebrally challenged Andy was treated to Stephen Hawking’s “a brief passage in time”. Told him it was an easy read.

To end? A breathtakingly puerile prank, but one that made my day. Strategically placed some sellotape on the chair of the most pompous of our KPEY management consultants. He attended a series of senior meetings with half a metre of sticky tape hanging from his trousers. Simple pleasures make the world go round.


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