COLUMN: The Ely Grumpster talks animals

PUBLISHED: 06:24 12 September 2018

Calm down, Boris

Calm down, Boris

Archant

• Everybody loves animals don’t they?

Ok, maybe not a sewer rat or a ravenous hyena feasting on the still twitching corpse of a baby gazelle, but cats, dogs, barn owls?”

When I am out with my pub buddies and we grow weary talking about Trump’s latest madness, or how Carlisle are definitely Champions’ League material, I can happily switch to the subject of nature.

• So, let’s cut to the chase. If you were reincarnated as an animal, what would it be?

Difficult question huh? Fear not. The Grumpster is here to help.

• Lion? Spend your life dozing, mating and inspiring every domestic moggie on the planet, but what about food?

You can’t exactly pop down to your local take-out and order up five zebra and chips and a side of antelope sauce

Dinner has to be caught. Worse, your wives are responsible and if they are anything like Doris, they will be inclined to say “I am feeling too tired to hunt today and anyway, too much zebra is bad for you. What about a broad bean pasta?”

• Horse? Roam about in your field, chomp on apples and bite the backside of recalcitrant schoolboys. Great stuff.

But then it dawns on you that you are actually star attraction at a Florida riding school and every 30 stone lard bucket wants to get on your back. Maybe not so great.

• Ok, so what about life as a dog? Lots of benefits there: 3 meals a day; country walks; un-diluted adoration from your soppy owners, but as ever, there is a downside.

If you are a boy, it is likely that at some point, you are going to get the hots for that cute little poodle at number 25.

Then before you can say “bonio”, you are whisked off to the vets for “a quick procedure”.

Next day, you are sore in places where you really don’t want to be sore and any chance of producing a young Rover is but a dream.

• So for me, it has to be a cat. Eat, sleep in front of the fire and do your business in amongst the old man’s courgettes. That’s the life for me.

• Today’s picture? Doris spotted the book in a charity shop. I will be gifting it to Mother Teresa as I am sure she will love it!

0 comments

Welcome , please leave your message below.

Optional - JPG files only
Optional - MP3 files only
Optional - 3GP, AVI, MOV, MPG or WMV files
Comments

Please log in to leave a comment and share your views with other Ely Standard visitors.

We enable people to post comments with the aim of encouraging open debate.

Only people who register and sign up to our terms and conditions can post comments. These terms and conditions explain our house rules and legal guidelines.

Comments are not edited by Ely Standard staff prior to publication but may be automatically filtered.

If you have a complaint about a comment please contact us by clicking on the Report This Comment button next to the comment.

Not a member yet?

Register to create your own unique Ely Standard account for free.

Signing up is free, quick and easy and offers you the chance to add comments, personalise the site with local information picked just for you, and more.

Sign up now

More news stories

Yesterday, 13:48

A police chief says putting poppies on some of their cars into the run-up to Remembrance Day “is not a glorification of war”.

Yesterday, 10:05

Three people were treated for ‘minor injuries’ last night after a lorry rolled on top of a car on the A141 Isle of Ely Way between March and Chatteris.

Yesterday, 16:55

A Wilburton man accused of sexually assaulting three schoolgirls has dismissed the allegations as “pure madness and fantasy”.

Yesterday, 13:11

Cambridgeshire County Council has decided against supporting the People’s Vote campaign for the public to have a say on the final Brexit deal.

Most read stories

Digital Edition

Image
Read the Ely Standard e-edition E-edition

Show Job Lists

Newsletter Sign Up

Ely Standard weekly newsletter
Sign up to receive our regular email newsletter

Our Privacy Policy